


you know all my deep dish

by evol_love



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Coming Out, Friendship, Gen, M/M, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:02:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26760325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evol_love/pseuds/evol_love
Summary: Luke is taking the whole Bobby's betrayal thing particularly hard, and Alex wants to know why.
Relationships: Alex & Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms), past Alex/Luke Patterson (one-sided), past Luke Patterson/Bobby | Trevor Wilson
Comments: 31
Kudos: 238





	you know all my deep dish

**Author's Note:**

> A fic by me where two people sit and talk about someone's sexuality? Groundbreaking. In all seriousness though this has lived in my brain since midway through watching the show. I love these boys so so much. Please enjoy! 
> 
> Thank you a million times to Anna @phonecallfromgod for watching the show with me in the first place, and then for brainstorming this fic with me. She had the galaxy brain of Bobby/Luke in the first place, and this genuinely would not exist without her.
> 
> Title of course from "Flying Solo" by Julie and the Phantoms <3

Alex isn’t looking for Luke when he finds him on the roof of the studio—why would he be—but that’s where he finds him. He and Reggie had been wondering where he’d gone for hours after an exceptionally weird band practice without any success in locating him. Julie had told them she was sure he was just blowing off steam, or maybe even visiting his parents again, but she’d looked nervous. As nervous as Alex himself felt. Even Reggie, generally unflappable, had worn a concerned frown as the evening dragged on and Luke didn’t come back. Eventually, Alex had given up on waiting and, antsier than usual, gone off on his own so he could freak out in peace. Of course, that turned out not to be an option. 

“Uh, hi,” Alex says, because the last thing he wants is to sneak up on Luke and spook him. Luke barely blinks to acknowledge he’d heard him at first, clearly lost in thought. Alex gets that. “I can go. I’m glad you’re okay. Or, I don’t know, you probably aren’t, but. You’re not trapped in Caleb’s club or on the run or something.” He winces at his own choice of hypotheticals. Luke is definitely doing better at forgiving himself for running out on his folks, but it’s still best not to rub it in. 

“You don’t have to go,” Luke says. He’s still not really looking at him, but Alex _knows_ what someone reaching out for a lifeline looks like when he sees it. 

“Okay,” Alex agrees. He hesitates for a moment, then moves awkwardly toward his friend to sit beside him. “Do you uh, do you want to talk about whatever’s bothering you?”

Luke shrugs. He’s sitting with his legs hanging over the edge, looking out at the stars and fiddling absently with his fingers, running them over the leaves on the roof, the sides of his jeans, anything. Alex stays quiet. Lets the space between them settle. Eventually, it pays off. 

“So I did a little more digging into what Bobby’s been up to since we died.” Alex winces; the sting of the betrayal is still so fresh even hearing his name hurts. 

“Probably not a great idea,” Alex muses. Luke sighs. 

“I don’t know what I _thought_ I was gonna find. Like, what was I looking for?” Luke shakes his head. “Anyway, I uh, I found out he used more of my songs than I thought.” Luke is working so hard to seem nonchalant that he comes off as _very_ chalant. “And not all of them were meant for the world to hear.”

This catches Alex’s attention. “Dude. That’s so messed up.” 

Luke huffs a laugh in response. “Yeah. You could say that.” His fidgeting has increased, more restless the more he talks to Alex. It’s like he’s trying to hold something enormous back. Like he doesn’t know how to express whatever it is. Alex goes out on a limb. 

“You were always closer to Bobby than Reggie and I were.” 

It does the trick, not that Alex is thrilled about it. He _sees_ Luke crumple, fighting so hard to keep himself composed and failing even more because of it. Alex isn’t sure whether he should say something, try and comfort him maybe? Or just leave him be. He’s never understood the way Luke deals with his feelings. Alex is always happy to just let out whatever it is he needs to when he’s upset, but Luke holds things so close inside himself that sometimes, Alex wonders how well he really knows him at all.

“Sorry,” Luke chokes, and Alex sees, half sympathetic and half satisfied that Luke’s letting himself be a person, that he’s been crying a little. He wipes quickly at his eyes, turning his face away like he hopes Alex won’t see. Alex decides to let him get away with it. “God, I don’t even know how to say this.”

“Take your time.” 

They sit in silence for awhile on the roof together. Alex wishes once again that their new ghost powers included mind reading. Everyone around him makes it so difficult to get to the bottom of things. 

“So back when we were just kind of messing around and getting started, I wrote this song. Uh. I wrote this song and I showed it to him, but I didn’t mean for it to ever be played for an audience. It was supposed to be just for us.”

“Just for us? I don’t remember that.”

“No, like. Just for us. Just for me and Bobby.”

“Oh,” Alex says like that makes sense. It’s not like Luke isn’t allowed to share his music with whoever he chooses to, or to have some privacy for workshopping, but he doesn’t get why he wouldn’t at least share with him and Reggie too. They wouldn’t have been dicks about it if it wasn’t good or something, they’d have helped him figure it out together. 

“It was kind of...for him. Or about him. Whatever.” Luke picks a twig off the roof and chucks it onto the ground below them. He’s not looking at Alex again. 

“You wrote a song about Bobby?” It’s not like it’s never happened before— _Crooked Teeth_ was inspired by something ridiculous Reggie had done. That was all in good fun though, a joke they’d all been in on (well, except Reggie, apparently). But Alex hadn’t heard about this one at all. 

“Yep,” Luke says, popping the P and looking ruefully at the world in front of them. “That is something that I did.”

“And he took it?”

Luke looks reluctant at that. “I mean, I _gave_ it to him, technically it was his, I guess, but I just thought...I didn’t think he’d ever perform it. And definitely not without me there. It’s so _weird_ that he did that, it keeps being weird because it was about him, from me, how do you just perform that? How do you make that not-weird?”

“What was the song about?”

Luke laughs, pulling his legs back up onto the roof so he can bury his face in his knees. 

“You know, it’s funny you ask that, because until today, I didn’t really know the answer. It was just something I felt like I _needed_ to write in the moment. I just wanted to, and I wanted to share it with him, and I’d think about it sometimes, like, ‘why did I need to write that so bad?’”

“And now you know?” Alex prods.

“Now I know.” Luke scrubs at his eyes again. Alex hadn’t even noticed he was crying that time. “It’s dumb, but I kind of hoped you would just figure this out so I wouldn’t have to say it.”

Alex’s heart aches; he _wants_ to do that for Luke, to know what he needs without having to be told. It’s always been the most challenging part of their time as bandmates, the varying ways in which they do (or don’t) communicate. He doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do here and now, if he should hug Luke and tell him it’s okay, if he should just let him talk, if he should find the way to fix this for him so he can stop looking so miserable. 

He goes with, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Luke dismisses. Not the solution, but not a problem either. Noted. “I just need to get over myself.”

“Would it be easier to talk to Reggie?” he offers.

“No, you’re the guy I need for this, I just.” He sucks in a breath. “It’s hard.”

“Okay.” Alex won’t pretend he isn’t cheered up a little by being needed. He watches as Luke psychs himself up, clearly thinking things through before nodding to himself. Ready. 

“So I think I might have, kind of...had feelings for him. I don’t know, it seems stupid because like...I would know, right? Shouldn’t I have known?” And Luke’s looking at him now, finally, a desperate, wild look in his eyes like he’s been coming up short with answers for hours. 

Suddenly, Alex gets it. 

“That’s not stupid at all,” he tells Luke seriously, like it’s the most important thing he’s ever told him. It kind of is. 

“But you knew. You told us years ago.” 

“So?” Alex counters. “That’s me. And what if I hadn’t? What if I hadn’t told you guys back then for whatever reason. Would you be as hard on me now as you’re being on yourself?” 

“No,” Luke admits with a heavy sigh. “But this is different. I wouldn’t have been able to tell you guys back then even if I wanted to because I didn’t even _know._ Alex, I wrote an entire _song_ about him and made it this whole private thing and I couldn’t even figure out that it was because I. I liked him.” Luke shakes his head, swallowing and looking away from Alex, back out at the the night sky. 

“Hey man, you can’t be so hard on yourself. It’s not the 90’s anymore.” He puts a hand on Luke’s shoulder to reassure him and gets a critical look in response. Alex shrugs. “I don’t know, that’s what Willie always tells me when I get weird on him.”

Luke smiles a little at that. 

“Yeah? How’s that going?” he asks, all familiar and friendly again, like he’s not dealing with something huge and difficult at all. Alex decides to let him take the out he clearly wants, ducking his head sheepishly when Luke bumps his side with his shoulder. 

“It’s good, I think. I mean I don’t know if he...we’re just friends. But it’s really nice. I like being around him, it’s like I want to be around him all the time.”

“Yeah. I get that,” Luke says, quiet again. 

“Yeah?” he asks. Luke nods. He looks more thoughtful now, less devastated, so that’s an improvement. 

“He definitely likes you back,” is all he says, though. “I’ve only hung out with you guys together a little bit, but I can tell.”

Alex doesn’t know what to say to that, but he can’t help the way he flushes at Luke’s words. The way he wants so, so badly for them to be the truth. 

“How did you know? That he was gay too?”

“I didn’t,” he answers honestly. It’s almost definitely not the answer Luke’s looking for, but the sooner he gets comfortable with that side of things, the better off he’ll be. “You never really know unless someone tells you. But sometimes you can’t help falling for someone whether or not they might like you back, right? I’ve seen you and Reggie strike out before, that’s gotta be true with girls too.”

Luke snorts a laugh. “Yeah, that’s fair.” He reaches up and ruffles his own hair, messing it up like he’s trying to concentrate, or maybe try to get a little of his frustration outside of his body. “That’s the other thing that’s driving me crazy, I _know_ I’ve liked girls before so I don’t get where any of this is coming from. You haven’t ever liked girls, have you?” Alex shakes his head.

“Sorry.”

“No, god, don’t be sorry about that. You know I don’t care, I just don’t get what’s wrong with me.” 

“Hey,” Alex says sharply, because that’s not gonna fly, now or ever. “Nothing’s wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with it. Also, I was talking with Willie the other day and he was telling me all this stuff about what it’s like being gay now—did you know gay people can get _married_ now?” Luke beams at him, god, Alex loves him. 

“That’s awesome dude,” he tells Alex. “You gotta make me best man at your ghost wedding, okay? Promise?”

“Sure,” he says dismissively. At this rate, Luke and Reggie will be flipping a coin for that honor, assuming ghosts can even _get_ married, but that’s not the point Alex meant to make. “But the other thing is, there’s lots of people who like guys _and_ girls.” Luke blinks at him, now listening intently. “He said it was called ‘bisexual.’”

“Like,” Luke waves at him. “Like ‘bye’?”

“I have no idea,” Alex says truthfully. “Half the time I have no idea what he’s talking about, I just like to listen.” Luke smiles at him. 

“You really like this guy.”

“I do,” Alex confesses. He looks over at Luke, who’s gone quiet again. He wishes he knew how to fix this, how to make everything Bobby had done go away so Luke will stop looking so sad. He wishes he knew the right thing to say to help Luke deal with belatedly realizing his feelings for Bobby ran far deeper than any of them thought. Luke’s being vulnerable, way more vulnerable than he usually allows himself to be around the others. And the only thing Alex knows to do is to be vulnerable in return. “Hey. I know how hard it is to have a crush on someone in the band, okay? I get it. But you’re going to be okay. I promise.”

Luke frowns. “Did you have a thing for Reggie back in the day?” he asks. Alex would laugh in his face if not for the actual answer. He takes a deep breath and pushes through it. 

“Nope,” he says. Luke thinks this over, and Alex can see it click suddenly on his face. 

“Oh,” he starts. 

“It’s okay,” Alex says quickly. “I’m totally over it now, that was a long time ago.”

“Still,” Luke says. He’s honestly taking it pretty well. Alex kind of wonders if he would have taken it so well back in ‘95. It’s like that poem they’d had to analyze to death back in high school: _two roads diverged._ “I’m sorry, man. I should have known, I was flirting with girls all the time right in front of you and you never said anything.”

“I didn’t actually think anything was going to happen,” Alex explains. “I just, I don’t know, you were one of my best friends, we were around each other all the time, you were awesome and funny,” _and hot,_ his brain supplies. “So I liked you. That’s all. You weren’t hurting my feelings by not noticing. I didn’t _want_ you to notice.” Luke still looks pained, so Alex sighs and tries another angle. “Would you have wanted Bobby to notice?” Luke sucks in a breath. 

“Maybe not. I mean, I doubt...” Luke trails off. “I guess I’ll never know.” Alex knocks his knees against Luke’s, a little nudge to remind him he still has people beside him, even if he’s feeling lost. 

“You okay?” Luke hesitates, but he nods. 

“I think so. It’s just a lot.”

“It is a lot,” Alex agrees. 

“I don’t know how you did this alone,” Luke says softly. “Even when I know I can talk to you, or I can ask questions, it’s like.” Luke laughs. “It’s so much.”

“It wasn’t easy,” Alex tells him. “But I knew you guys would have my back. I trusted you, and I was right. You guys helped a lot, I hope you know that.”

“I didn’t, really,” Luke says, wondering. He looks pleased, and yeah. That’s the boy 16-year-old Alex was head over heels for. Earnest, affectionate, loyal to the bitter end. He’d assumed that was why he was taking the Bobby thing particularly hard: Luke takes his friendships very seriously, especially after falling back on them when he’d left his parents’ place. The betrayal had to sting that much more when he’d loved them all so much. Some more than others, apparently. 

It’s amazing how much it doesn’t hurt Alex to know that Luke’s heart was elsewhere when he was crushing on him. He’d never expected anything else, never felt owed anything. And Luke loved them all so completely anyway, throwing himself headlong into a friendship unlike anything Alex had ever known before him. There was hardly room for Alex to want anything more from that, even at the height of his crush, because he had always known Luke loved him. And it’s still all that matters to him now. 

“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. And you don’t have to tell Reggie, or Julie, or whoever about it if you aren’t ready. But I hope you know that we all care about you a lot, and that if and when you want to talk about it, you can. Okay?”

“Okay,” Luke agrees. His voice sounds choked again, and Alex panics when he realizes the other boy looks a bit teary-eyed once more. 

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing—I mean, everything, kinda, but. You’re just a really good friend.” Alex smiles at him. 

“Takes one to know one.” He stands up. “Hey, he won’t say it, but Reggie’s been really worried about you since you disappeared on us earlier.” He offers Luke a hand to help him up. “Wanna go cheer him up with me?” Luke takes his hand, grinning up at him. 

“Awww, he missed me.” He gets up with Alex’s help, taking one last look out at the night. He squeezes his hand once before letting it go. “Yeah. Okay. Let’s go.” 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I..........am very probably going to write more JATP fic so stay tuned lol.
> 
> Find me on tumblr @lesbiantoziers!


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